TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully outside of position. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have A further position where American Males can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: present All people a suite over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he ought to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from space, a characteristic staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted Trump Tower Damascus lawsuits following getting the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "exactly where's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting interest from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will likely incorporate:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort the place my PTSD might have flip-down company."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Thoughts within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

Report this page